I'm Dying

Today I was looking for some Friday night entertainment and came across an article about a girl I went to school with. She was going to be debuting her artwork at an upcoming gallery walk. I wanted to cry as I looked at her collection. I miss that part of me so bad. Don't get me wrong there are days that I feel so great just keeping the house in tip top shape, making fabulous meals for my hubster, taking care of my babe and getting dolled up. Yes there are some days that all those things are enough. Lately that has not been the case. The monotony has been killing me. I've felt passionless about life.

I never knew passion until art. It filled me up. I had discovered a big, BIG part of myself. Its one of those things that makes me flo. When I am drawing, painting, creating I am only thinking about one thing, it. Its my escape and it makes me proud of myself.  I've let other things take its place (like blogging ironically) and it's gotten me feeling lazy and comparing myself a lot. When I make art I feel like I've been productive and have something to show for my day. I am only comparing myself to myself and it feels great.

Today I had an epiphany. I only have, what, like 60 years left?  Who knows how many of those will actually be quality years. I am dying, everyday is a day closer and everyday gone is gone. This is part of me and if I lose it I will hate myself for it. If I were going to die tomorrow I would want to create one last thing today. Seriously. I would want to make something meaningful. I drew some poppys last night that actually I quite like but they are meaningless. Anyone with a little skill could create them. I want emotion and meaning completely unique to me in my work. I don't want to make art for other people, I want to make it because it's what I do. People can take it or leave it. I want to hang it up and feel naked in front of a crowd (thanks Anna Nalick) because it exposes my heart.  I don't want to die a passionless, pretty little housewife. I want to leave my mark. I'd best start marking my territory while my little bundle is in dreamland.